Worst Case Scenario
originally published Jul 16, 2009
Ade said he was going to leave and now we know he meant it,
Nasri's gone to QPR 'cause he clearly is demented,
Van Persie went to back home to Holland to relax and unwind,
But he partied just a bit too hard and now is baked out of his mind,
Arshavin had some vodka but he may have drunk to excess,
Because he's stuck on top of Big Ben wearing a summer dress,
Toure and Gallas buried the hatchet in the boxing ring,
But the rules were less Queensbury and more a Mortal Kombat thing,
Almunia went sailing with Sagna and Walcott,
But they ran into some pirates who promptly sank their yacht,
Poor Eduardo was starved to death, a hunger he could not surpass,
He cleared out an entire Tescos, then ate Fabregas,
Denilson caught fire and died after eating too much wasabi,
Fabianski drove off of a cliff with Abou Diaby,
For his involvement in a bank job, the police arrested Bendtner,
Gael Clichy replaced Bruce Forsyth as the Strictly presenter,
Ramsey joined the catholic church, it turns out he was blessed,
This had a knock on effect, he converted Father Silvestre,
Rosicky had his legs cut off, Vermaelen went to space,
Djourou tried to fight a bear who tore off the poor guy's face,
Senderos was an alien, and this world got on his nerves,
So he took out a giant laser gun and vapourised the reserves,
Unable to keep their love a secret, Vela ran off with Song,
Leaving Wenger crying, wondering where it all went wrong,
But then a figure approached and wiped the tears off of his cheek,
It was Emmanuel Eboue who than began to speak,
"Fear not boss," he said, "I'll guide us through this storm."
"I'm a genius of a physicist and I've cloned my mighty form!"
With Eboue times eleven, we'll put everyone else to shame,
Arsenal will get 100 points and score 20 goals a game,
So to all the other teams, and all the players you've bought,
Remember a team full of Eboue's is something you ain't got!
Ade said he was going to leave and now we know he meant it,
Nasri's gone to QPR 'cause he clearly is demented,
Van Persie went to back home to Holland to relax and unwind,
But he partied just a bit too hard and now is baked out of his mind,
Arshavin had some vodka but he may have drunk to excess,
Because he's stuck on top of Big Ben wearing a summer dress,
Toure and Gallas buried the hatchet in the boxing ring,
But the rules were less Queensbury and more a Mortal Kombat thing,
Almunia went sailing with Sagna and Walcott,
But they ran into some pirates who promptly sank their yacht,
Poor Eduardo was starved to death, a hunger he could not surpass,
He cleared out an entire Tescos, then ate Fabregas,
Denilson caught fire and died after eating too much wasabi,
Fabianski drove off of a cliff with Abou Diaby,
For his involvement in a bank job, the police arrested Bendtner,
Gael Clichy replaced Bruce Forsyth as the Strictly presenter,
Ramsey joined the catholic church, it turns out he was blessed,
This had a knock on effect, he converted Father Silvestre,
Rosicky had his legs cut off, Vermaelen went to space,
Djourou tried to fight a bear who tore off the poor guy's face,
Senderos was an alien, and this world got on his nerves,
So he took out a giant laser gun and vapourised the reserves,
Unable to keep their love a secret, Vela ran off with Song,
Leaving Wenger crying, wondering where it all went wrong,
But then a figure approached and wiped the tears off of his cheek,
It was Emmanuel Eboue who than began to speak,
"Fear not boss," he said, "I'll guide us through this storm."
"I'm a genius of a physicist and I've cloned my mighty form!"
With Eboue times eleven, we'll put everyone else to shame,
Arsenal will get 100 points and score 20 goals a game,
So to all the other teams, and all the players you've bought,
Remember a team full of Eboue's is something you ain't got!
Eduardo
originally published Sep 7, 2009
I know the last line isn't rhythmic but I thought it was a great way to end this one.
I watched the Celtic game and my question is,
The ref saw the incident and the decision is his,
So why come down so hard now on Eddie for diving?
"Stamping out cheaters keeps football thriving",
Oh good! I've got a few names for you, then,
If we rehash the past Ronaldo would never play again,
Talk about simulation, for the sake of Christ,
The cheating winker goes down like a fat girl on ice,
If you need a testimony, I'll give evidence happily,
I've spent years watching his fight against gravity,
You can convict most players with relative ease,
But I forgot the rules apply but only when you please,
Eduardo's unlucky. This entire thing's political,
The powers that be are wholly hypocritical,
A lot of players dive but it's our man that suffers,
"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others."
I know the last line isn't rhythmic but I thought it was a great way to end this one.
I watched the Celtic game and my question is,
The ref saw the incident and the decision is his,
So why come down so hard now on Eddie for diving?
"Stamping out cheaters keeps football thriving",
Oh good! I've got a few names for you, then,
If we rehash the past Ronaldo would never play again,
Talk about simulation, for the sake of Christ,
The cheating winker goes down like a fat girl on ice,
If you need a testimony, I'll give evidence happily,
I've spent years watching his fight against gravity,
You can convict most players with relative ease,
But I forgot the rules apply but only when you please,
Eduardo's unlucky. This entire thing's political,
The powers that be are wholly hypocritical,
A lot of players dive but it's our man that suffers,
"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others."
Match Of The Day
originally published Sep 8, 2009
It's Saturday night and it's twenty past ten,
It's time for another round of slander again,
I made a cup of tea after watching the news,
And poor me came back to a cavalcade of abuse,
Lawro's an idiot and Hansen's a joke,
Shearer's talking bollocks like he's just had a stroke,
They lay into Arsene no matter how hard he tries,
He's always the enemy in their soulless eyes,
Get down comrades! Here comes the loathing,
They'll hate anyone in red and white clothing,
They adore John Terry but I have to ask:
If he was a gunner, who long would that last?
Not long, I reckon, but it's the same for the rest,
A drop in popularity comes with the cannon on your chest,
I do try to take a pinch of salt with their critique,
But I'm going through a lot of Saxa 'cause it's week after week,
We've all swallowed our fair share of their bullshit,
Look out! Here comes another several tonnes of it,
Since Hansen's in a field of bulls out in the freezing cold,
With his hands out waiting for analytical gold,
I can't afford Sky Sports so I have to put up with this shit?
Fuck that, I'd rather we played in the Championship,
It's Saturday night and it's twenty past ten,
It's time for another round of slander again,
I made a cup of tea after watching the news,
And poor me came back to a cavalcade of abuse,
Lawro's an idiot and Hansen's a joke,
Shearer's talking bollocks like he's just had a stroke,
They lay into Arsene no matter how hard he tries,
He's always the enemy in their soulless eyes,
Get down comrades! Here comes the loathing,
They'll hate anyone in red and white clothing,
They adore John Terry but I have to ask:
If he was a gunner, who long would that last?
Not long, I reckon, but it's the same for the rest,
A drop in popularity comes with the cannon on your chest,
I do try to take a pinch of salt with their critique,
But I'm going through a lot of Saxa 'cause it's week after week,
We've all swallowed our fair share of their bullshit,
Look out! Here comes another several tonnes of it,
Since Hansen's in a field of bulls out in the freezing cold,
With his hands out waiting for analytical gold,
I can't afford Sky Sports so I have to put up with this shit?
Fuck that, I'd rather we played in the Championship,
Poem For Juan De Man
originally published Jul 29, 2009
I got another request where 606er Juan De Man saves the day. I thought, why not...
Eboue loved the Gunners, and we loved the way he dances,
But now he's walking out the door to save the team's finances,
He said goodbye to Wenger, the team and all his mates,
With tears welling in his eyes, Eboue left the Emirates,
The recession had hit hard and Eboue was feeling it's wrath,
He turned away from the club he loved but a man was blocking his path,
He wore a helmet made from staples and had post-its on his crotch,
"Eboue? Leaving Arsenal forever? Hah! Not on my watch!"
He charged up to the boardroom and pleaded "Let's be rational",
"I've got all the cash you need since I robbed an Abbey National."
He flew out the door and soon returned with a wheelbarrow full of cash,
The boards members were all left stunned at the site of the strangers stash,
With all this extra money, the board were satisfied,
Eboue's transfer was cancelled and he was welcomed back into the side,
Oh, happy days! This really was a dream come true,
But as the stranger turned to leave Eboue said "Wait! Who are you?"
"Are you a superhero or a mad, bank-robbing fan?"
The stranger gave a cheeky grin and said...
"Just call me Juan De Man!"
I got another request where 606er Juan De Man saves the day. I thought, why not...
Eboue loved the Gunners, and we loved the way he dances,
But now he's walking out the door to save the team's finances,
He said goodbye to Wenger, the team and all his mates,
With tears welling in his eyes, Eboue left the Emirates,
The recession had hit hard and Eboue was feeling it's wrath,
He turned away from the club he loved but a man was blocking his path,
He wore a helmet made from staples and had post-its on his crotch,
"Eboue? Leaving Arsenal forever? Hah! Not on my watch!"
He charged up to the boardroom and pleaded "Let's be rational",
"I've got all the cash you need since I robbed an Abbey National."
He flew out the door and soon returned with a wheelbarrow full of cash,
The boards members were all left stunned at the site of the strangers stash,
With all this extra money, the board were satisfied,
Eboue's transfer was cancelled and he was welcomed back into the side,
Oh, happy days! This really was a dream come true,
But as the stranger turned to leave Eboue said "Wait! Who are you?"
"Are you a superhero or a mad, bank-robbing fan?"
The stranger gave a cheeky grin and said...
"Just call me Juan De Man!"
Emo Poem
originally published Jul 15, 2009
I wrote this one after a beloved 606, VanPersiesLeftFoot, was cruelly banned in a heated exchange with a spurs wum, Obi 1 Kenobi Nil. VPLF made the fatal mistake of swearing. Obi 1 got him thrown off 606 for good. This injustice resulted in an epic battle where everyone on the Arsenal board flooded the 606 feedback thread with "Free VPLF" comments. Our protests fell on deaf ears so I wrote this poem as an emotional send-off. Keep in mind, I was supposed to be funny too...
Whether you were making us all laugh or battling a wum,
You were a champion of 606ers taking on that Obi 1,
The powers that be took exception and kicked you off the board,
Fighting for our forum, banishment was your reward,
Now your once proud name is floating down the river styx,
It will never be the same again here on 606,
It is a travesty of justice that all the wums stay put,
But we are denied what we want most: VanPersiesLeftFoot,
So when reading one of Lady's stories or a Chainik quiz,
Your memory will stay with us always because that's what...(sniff)... friendship is.
I wrote this one after a beloved 606, VanPersiesLeftFoot, was cruelly banned in a heated exchange with a spurs wum, Obi 1 Kenobi Nil. VPLF made the fatal mistake of swearing. Obi 1 got him thrown off 606 for good. This injustice resulted in an epic battle where everyone on the Arsenal board flooded the 606 feedback thread with "Free VPLF" comments. Our protests fell on deaf ears so I wrote this poem as an emotional send-off. Keep in mind, I was supposed to be funny too...
Whether you were making us all laugh or battling a wum,
You were a champion of 606ers taking on that Obi 1,
The powers that be took exception and kicked you off the board,
Fighting for our forum, banishment was your reward,
Now your once proud name is floating down the river styx,
It will never be the same again here on 606,
It is a travesty of justice that all the wums stay put,
But we are denied what we want most: VanPersiesLeftFoot,
So when reading one of Lady's stories or a Chainik quiz,
Your memory will stay with us always because that's what...(sniff)... friendship is.
CGG's Poem
Poem I wrote for claretgunnergirl. I can't remember why...
Over 1000 years ago,
In the history books of old,
A prophecy is written,
Which the oracles fortold,
Of a Goddess of a woman,
Who will one day grace,
This world and it's inhabitants,
And she shall save the human race,
She could break a million hearts,
With one flutter of those eyes,
The Gods will move the stars themselves,
To paint her portrait in the skies,
A glimpse of her perfect smile,
Illuminates the darkest night,
And inspires countless love songs,
With that divine and gorgeous sight,
Her voice is draped in passion,
And melts hearts of stone,
Men will move entire mountains,
To hear her sing those gentle tones,
From mankind to the Gods,
Her beauty leaves all mouths agape,
None of history's great artists,
Could portray her perfect shape,
Time will bend around her,
To preserve her flawless form,
Both land and sea will move aside,
And push back every storm,
These are not events to come,
The future, I cannot see,
Who is this Goddess among us?
Her name is CGG...
Over 1000 years ago,
In the history books of old,
A prophecy is written,
Which the oracles fortold,
Of a Goddess of a woman,
Who will one day grace,
This world and it's inhabitants,
And she shall save the human race,
She could break a million hearts,
With one flutter of those eyes,
The Gods will move the stars themselves,
To paint her portrait in the skies,
A glimpse of her perfect smile,
Illuminates the darkest night,
And inspires countless love songs,
With that divine and gorgeous sight,
Her voice is draped in passion,
And melts hearts of stone,
Men will move entire mountains,
To hear her sing those gentle tones,
From mankind to the Gods,
Her beauty leaves all mouths agape,
None of history's great artists,
Could portray her perfect shape,
Time will bend around her,
To preserve her flawless form,
Both land and sea will move aside,
And push back every storm,
These are not events to come,
The future, I cannot see,
Who is this Goddess among us?
Her name is CGG...
Another One For CGG
We moved forums between my last poem and this one. I hadn't written anything in almost a year when CGG demanded yet another poem. Here it is. It only took me 20 minutes and it really shows. My second worst poem, I think.
There was a woman called CGG and her beauty stunned the nation,
Couple that with her wit and charm and you've got a deadly combination,
So deadly, in fact, that MI5 came looking for our girl,
"CGG, we need that sexy arse of yours to go and save the world,"
"Terrorists have taken hostage the president and his wife,"
"We need you to go to Washington and save Obama's life,"
"You and only you have the skills that we require,"
"Your famously breathtaking looks surely will inspire,"
"The terrorists to throw down their guns and set Obama free,"
"The fate of the entire free world rests with CGG,"
Our heroine pondered for a moment then gave her watch a glance,
She looked back up at the men in black and said "not a funking chance!"
"Do you know how many requests like this I get on a daily basis?"
"Get some other cunt to do it because I am far too famous,"
"My skills are needed elsewhere, there is a cause much greater,"
"On footballchatforum.com I'm a super moderator."
There was a woman called CGG and her beauty stunned the nation,
Couple that with her wit and charm and you've got a deadly combination,
So deadly, in fact, that MI5 came looking for our girl,
"CGG, we need that sexy arse of yours to go and save the world,"
"Terrorists have taken hostage the president and his wife,"
"We need you to go to Washington and save Obama's life,"
"You and only you have the skills that we require,"
"Your famously breathtaking looks surely will inspire,"
"The terrorists to throw down their guns and set Obama free,"
"The fate of the entire free world rests with CGG,"
Our heroine pondered for a moment then gave her watch a glance,
She looked back up at the men in black and said "not a funking chance!"
"Do you know how many requests like this I get on a daily basis?"
"Get some other cunt to do it because I am far too famous,"
"My skills are needed elsewhere, there is a cause much greater,"
"On footballchatforum.com I'm a super moderator."
One For JohnJensonsGoal
I quite like this one...
The bourgeoisie stare with glee upon the face of JJG,
But they disagree to a certain degree with the guarantee he gave to me,
I'll be a marquis in Tennessee if we go on a killing spree,
Since he hurt his knee climbing trees. He should have worn shoes instead of skis.
So here we be, me and he, off to the land of the free,
Across the sea and we both agree, we should be there at the back of 3.
The bourgeoisie stare with glee upon the face of JJG,
But they disagree to a certain degree with the guarantee he gave to me,
I'll be a marquis in Tennessee if we go on a killing spree,
Since he hurt his knee climbing trees. He should have worn shoes instead of skis.
So here we be, me and he, off to the land of the free,
Across the sea and we both agree, we should be there at the back of 3.
How The Arsenal Died
History: Diaby being dead become something of a running gag.
After the news of Diaby's demise,
It should come as quite a surprise,
That the rest of the squad are 6 feet under,
"How'd that happen?" I'm sure you wonder,
So I took the liberty and penned,
A little poem to that end,
So gather 'round, the story's begun,
Of how the Arsenal bit the big one,
Theo caught a nasty cough,
Wilshere has his legs cut off,
Wenger could not ascertain,
How Chamakh fell out of a plane,
Park drank bleach on a dare,
Djourou was eaten by a bear,
The bear then showed little mercy,
As he turned his attention to Van Persie,
Arshavin was incinerated,
Squillaci was eviscerated,
Jenkinson got lost at sea,
Sagna died of dysentery,
Mannone lost his mind again,
So did Oxlade-Chamberlain,
Spare a thought for Kieren Gibbs,
A wrecking ball crushed all his ribs,
Coquelin was deep fat fried,
Miyaichi was electrified,
Rosicky died from huffing lacquer,
The police arrested Mertesacker,
Koscielny, Vermaelen and Miquel,
Lost their faith and were sent to hell,
On a clear night check out the moon,
You might catch a glimpse of Benayoun,
Gervinho was struck by a jeep,
Szczesny was trampled by a herd of sheep,
Ramsey caught fire, and so did Song,
Ninjas got the best of poor Frimpong,
Almunia, due to high demand,
Was next to feel the reapers hand,
Fabianski drowned in lemonade,
Santos ate a live grenade,
Things were bad but getting better,
Until God came down and punched Arteta,
That was poem (to a certain degree),
Of how the Arsenal squad ceased to be,
I know it's sad, a bit of a bummer,
But at least now we'll sign someone in the summer.
After the news of Diaby's demise,
It should come as quite a surprise,
That the rest of the squad are 6 feet under,
"How'd that happen?" I'm sure you wonder,
So I took the liberty and penned,
A little poem to that end,
So gather 'round, the story's begun,
Of how the Arsenal bit the big one,
Theo caught a nasty cough,
Wilshere has his legs cut off,
Wenger could not ascertain,
How Chamakh fell out of a plane,
Park drank bleach on a dare,
Djourou was eaten by a bear,
The bear then showed little mercy,
As he turned his attention to Van Persie,
Arshavin was incinerated,
Squillaci was eviscerated,
Jenkinson got lost at sea,
Sagna died of dysentery,
Mannone lost his mind again,
So did Oxlade-Chamberlain,
Spare a thought for Kieren Gibbs,
A wrecking ball crushed all his ribs,
Coquelin was deep fat fried,
Miyaichi was electrified,
Rosicky died from huffing lacquer,
The police arrested Mertesacker,
Koscielny, Vermaelen and Miquel,
Lost their faith and were sent to hell,
On a clear night check out the moon,
You might catch a glimpse of Benayoun,
Gervinho was struck by a jeep,
Szczesny was trampled by a herd of sheep,
Ramsey caught fire, and so did Song,
Ninjas got the best of poor Frimpong,
Almunia, due to high demand,
Was next to feel the reapers hand,
Fabianski drowned in lemonade,
Santos ate a live grenade,
Things were bad but getting better,
Until God came down and punched Arteta,
That was poem (to a certain degree),
Of how the Arsenal squad ceased to be,
I know it's sad, a bit of a bummer,
But at least now we'll sign someone in the summer.