Ballad Of The One Star Bandit
originally published Jul 13, 2009
(We had a problem on 606 with some douchebag running around giving every Arsenal article one-star. Needless to say, this got pretty annoying. I wrote this with Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash in my head. It works if you try and read it with that tune)
Way out here in the wild, wild west,
Where gunslingers are either dead or the best,
Our small town of Arsenal was hit by terrible curse,
Woman and children would run and hide,
As the one star bandit threatened their lives,
With a one-star rating or perhaps even worse,
When thread after thread burns and crashes,
One brave hero would rise up from their ashes,
And fight this varmint off in a manly way,
He’s as hard and mean as the day is long,
So I’ve immortalised him in this here song,
We’re all saved by the man they call Eboue,
Eboue rolled in on that fateful day,
Determined to make that damn bandit pay,
He strides on into a local saloon,
The bandit was there, cursin’ and spittin’,
Eboue walked up to where that bastard was sittin’,
And said “Meet me in the street when the clock strikes noon,”
The whole damn town was soaked in fear,
When the clock struck noon all the streets were clear,
Eboue and the bandit stood eye to eye,
For the good of the world as well as this town,
Eboue had to win this here showdown,
Both men knew one was about to die,
The bandit moved first, Eboue left waiting,
As the bandit gave our hero a one-star rating,
Eboue just stood there and gave a wry smile,
That poor bandit was taken down a few pegs,
When our man Eboue kicked him between the legs,
And left the jackass crying in a crumpled pile,
Revenge for all the threads he mangled,
Eboue hit him right where he dangled,
And put that pesky bandit in his place,
The bandit fled fast and he fled far,
But I reckon this poem might get one-star,
So I’ve but my hob-nailed boots on just in case,
(We had a problem on 606 with some douchebag running around giving every Arsenal article one-star. Needless to say, this got pretty annoying. I wrote this with Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash in my head. It works if you try and read it with that tune)
Way out here in the wild, wild west,
Where gunslingers are either dead or the best,
Our small town of Arsenal was hit by terrible curse,
Woman and children would run and hide,
As the one star bandit threatened their lives,
With a one-star rating or perhaps even worse,
When thread after thread burns and crashes,
One brave hero would rise up from their ashes,
And fight this varmint off in a manly way,
He’s as hard and mean as the day is long,
So I’ve immortalised him in this here song,
We’re all saved by the man they call Eboue,
Eboue rolled in on that fateful day,
Determined to make that damn bandit pay,
He strides on into a local saloon,
The bandit was there, cursin’ and spittin’,
Eboue walked up to where that bastard was sittin’,
And said “Meet me in the street when the clock strikes noon,”
The whole damn town was soaked in fear,
When the clock struck noon all the streets were clear,
Eboue and the bandit stood eye to eye,
For the good of the world as well as this town,
Eboue had to win this here showdown,
Both men knew one was about to die,
The bandit moved first, Eboue left waiting,
As the bandit gave our hero a one-star rating,
Eboue just stood there and gave a wry smile,
That poor bandit was taken down a few pegs,
When our man Eboue kicked him between the legs,
And left the jackass crying in a crumpled pile,
Revenge for all the threads he mangled,
Eboue hit him right where he dangled,
And put that pesky bandit in his place,
The bandit fled fast and he fled far,
But I reckon this poem might get one-star,
So I’ve but my hob-nailed boots on just in case,
A Warning To All Wums
originally published Jul 14, 2009
(Terminology: WUM stands for Wind-Up Merchant)
As sure as Peter Crouch is tall and Paul Scholes is a ginger,
Emmanuel Eboue is a deadly deadly ninja,
Jumping from the rooftops and hiding in plain sight,
Eboue protects us from wums and bandits every single night,
He could be almost anywhere; he could be camped outside your house,
Waiting for a WUM comment, because when you click that mouse,
He will come in through the window, but you will never hear him,
And do things more horrible than you could possibly imagine,
“Cesc Has Gone To Barca Because We Can’t Pay His Fees!”
Oh really? 'Cause Eboue is behind you and I think he disagrees,
He’s got a cache of awesome weapons but these are just for show,
He’s lethal enough without them with all the kung-fu moves he knows,
He’ll be there in a snowstorm, a monsoon or hurricane,
Nothing can stop Eboue from administering pain,
You could rise up against him, only if you think you can,
But you should know he’s beaten up both The Hulk and Superman,
So if you’re feeling lucky, leave a clever “your mum” joke,
But you’ll be at the mercy of that merciless Eboue bloke,
(Terminology: WUM stands for Wind-Up Merchant)
As sure as Peter Crouch is tall and Paul Scholes is a ginger,
Emmanuel Eboue is a deadly deadly ninja,
Jumping from the rooftops and hiding in plain sight,
Eboue protects us from wums and bandits every single night,
He could be almost anywhere; he could be camped outside your house,
Waiting for a WUM comment, because when you click that mouse,
He will come in through the window, but you will never hear him,
And do things more horrible than you could possibly imagine,
“Cesc Has Gone To Barca Because We Can’t Pay His Fees!”
Oh really? 'Cause Eboue is behind you and I think he disagrees,
He’s got a cache of awesome weapons but these are just for show,
He’s lethal enough without them with all the kung-fu moves he knows,
He’ll be there in a snowstorm, a monsoon or hurricane,
Nothing can stop Eboue from administering pain,
You could rise up against him, only if you think you can,
But you should know he’s beaten up both The Hulk and Superman,
So if you’re feeling lucky, leave a clever “your mum” joke,
But you’ll be at the mercy of that merciless Eboue bloke,
Eboue: Traffic Maverick
Someone requested a poem about Eboue being a traffic warden. That seemed like a pretty shite idea. It was, which is why this poem isn't great...
From mopeds to a 9-seater,
Drivers should be afraid,
‘Cause if you don’t feed the meter,
Eboue will make sure you’ve paid,
Be careful where you park,
Eboue’s warden of this road,
He’s meaner than a great white shark,
And he can make your face explode,
Be warned careless fellows,
You know who you are,
Park on double yellows,
And Eboue will eat your car,
From mopeds to a 9-seater,
Drivers should be afraid,
‘Cause if you don’t feed the meter,
Eboue will make sure you’ve paid,
Be careful where you park,
Eboue’s warden of this road,
He’s meaner than a great white shark,
And he can make your face explode,
Be warned careless fellows,
You know who you are,
Park on double yellows,
And Eboue will eat your car,
Eboueman!
originally published Jul 17, 2009
By the light of day, he is a quality right back,
But he takes on a different persona when the sky turns black,
Eboue, after dark, hangs up the red and white,
And dawns and an awesome cape, because theres bums to kick tonight,
All the criminals come creeping with all the evilness they bring,
But wait! Here comes Eboueman, flying up the wing,
With a streak of brilliant gold, emblazoned across the sky,
He's ready to beat up all the baddies from Sheffield to Shanghai,
Eboue stops a young man, trying to steal a television,
He should have known there's no escape from Eboue's laser vision,
In a basement somewhere, is a junkie brewing meth,
Eboue makes sure his goose is cooked with his fire breath,
Holding up a bank, we find a crooked crook,
Eboue knocks his head clean off with a sharp right hook,
In the streets, there is a baddie, stealing lots of cars,
He drives fast but Eboue's faster, now he's seeing stars,
With all the criminals in jail, Eboue sits down with some beers,
But then he hears a distant scream with his supersonic ears,
Eboue bolted towards the sound at the speed of light,
It came from the old mansion that had never felt quite right,
Eboue arrived at the house and kicked in the old door,
Stood there was his nemesis, Dr Adebayor,
It was quite a shock to find the guy, who had always seemed so placid,
Trapping Wenger in a cage over a vat of acid,
"Eboue!" said Adebayor, "This is a nice surprise!"
"I've got Wenger at my mercy so I think it would be wise,"
"For you to surrender unconditionally, and I might let him go."
Eboue weighed up his options and said, "Yeah, I don't think so!"
He flew towards his helpless boss and released him from his cage,
Eboue then turned to Ade and focused all his rage,
Into a giant laser beam that shot out of his eyes,
That hit Adebayor in the chest and knocks him down to size,
Our hero let out an epic belch that blew back the evil doc,
Who impressively got up again, but then Eboue began to rock,
He blasted Ade with his fire breath and unleashed a barage of punches,
Then went for his enemy's power source and put his hair in bunches,
"No!" cried a defeated Ade, "Please! Not the hair!"
"It's too late for you" said Eboue, "For you and your deckchair."
"Please" whimpered Ade, "Eboue! Please take pity."
"Are you going to send me to jail?" "Worse" said Eboue, "Man City."
So if you're doing naughty things or trying to hatch an evil plan,
You'd better watch the skies for our hero, Eboueman!
By the light of day, he is a quality right back,
But he takes on a different persona when the sky turns black,
Eboue, after dark, hangs up the red and white,
And dawns and an awesome cape, because theres bums to kick tonight,
All the criminals come creeping with all the evilness they bring,
But wait! Here comes Eboueman, flying up the wing,
With a streak of brilliant gold, emblazoned across the sky,
He's ready to beat up all the baddies from Sheffield to Shanghai,
Eboue stops a young man, trying to steal a television,
He should have known there's no escape from Eboue's laser vision,
In a basement somewhere, is a junkie brewing meth,
Eboue makes sure his goose is cooked with his fire breath,
Holding up a bank, we find a crooked crook,
Eboue knocks his head clean off with a sharp right hook,
In the streets, there is a baddie, stealing lots of cars,
He drives fast but Eboue's faster, now he's seeing stars,
With all the criminals in jail, Eboue sits down with some beers,
But then he hears a distant scream with his supersonic ears,
Eboue bolted towards the sound at the speed of light,
It came from the old mansion that had never felt quite right,
Eboue arrived at the house and kicked in the old door,
Stood there was his nemesis, Dr Adebayor,
It was quite a shock to find the guy, who had always seemed so placid,
Trapping Wenger in a cage over a vat of acid,
"Eboue!" said Adebayor, "This is a nice surprise!"
"I've got Wenger at my mercy so I think it would be wise,"
"For you to surrender unconditionally, and I might let him go."
Eboue weighed up his options and said, "Yeah, I don't think so!"
He flew towards his helpless boss and released him from his cage,
Eboue then turned to Ade and focused all his rage,
Into a giant laser beam that shot out of his eyes,
That hit Adebayor in the chest and knocks him down to size,
Our hero let out an epic belch that blew back the evil doc,
Who impressively got up again, but then Eboue began to rock,
He blasted Ade with his fire breath and unleashed a barage of punches,
Then went for his enemy's power source and put his hair in bunches,
"No!" cried a defeated Ade, "Please! Not the hair!"
"It's too late for you" said Eboue, "For you and your deckchair."
"Please" whimpered Ade, "Eboue! Please take pity."
"Are you going to send me to jail?" "Worse" said Eboue, "Man City."
So if you're doing naughty things or trying to hatch an evil plan,
You'd better watch the skies for our hero, Eboueman!
Special Agent Eboue
originally published Jul 23, 2009
All the wums on this board were dealt a mighty blow,
When Eboue cast them out forever with no place to go,
They were gone for good, or at least they're on the brink,
Oh, what a naive thing for us all to think,
Deep in the atlantic, there is an evil submarine,
A secret hiding place where all the wums convene,
A tonne of fancy gadgets and other high-tech treats,
There are Powerpoint presentations in all the Conference Suites,
It was an evil empire, very James Bond-esque,
In the office at the back sat at his evil desk,
Was the head of the wums, the mightiest troll,
Laughing an evil laugh was the evil Ashley Cole,
Up on his corkboard are his evil plans,
Number 2 is "Get Wenger" but Number 1 is "Get the fans",
He has set his evil scheme in motion, so the wums could prevail,
When he went and gave that evil interview to the Daily Mail,
Cole's soldiers were now ready, to bombard the board with lies,
And set about the end of banter, as well as the Gunner's demise,
You thought that they were bad before, but now they're getting silly,
"Nasri's made from parmesan" and "Bendtner's got no willy",
Cole could taste a victory, but before he could click send,
There was a flash of light from up above as Eboue began to descend,
With a jetpack made of gold, and thick coat made of leather,
(Eboue had dressed appropriatley for this trans-atlantic weather),
"Ashley Cole" boomed Eboue, "Up to your old tricks?"
"Your too late," responded Cole, "I shall finish 606",
Eboue gave Cole a beating, his wum soldiers just observed,
The kung-fu moves Eboue dished out as Cole got what he deserved,
When the fight was over, Eboue tied up all the wums,
Cole came back with a cricket bat, but Eboue kicked him in the plums,
Ashley dropped to the floor and cried as Eboue spoke,
"What's the matter, Ashley? Can't you take a joke?"
All the wums on this board were dealt a mighty blow,
When Eboue cast them out forever with no place to go,
They were gone for good, or at least they're on the brink,
Oh, what a naive thing for us all to think,
Deep in the atlantic, there is an evil submarine,
A secret hiding place where all the wums convene,
A tonne of fancy gadgets and other high-tech treats,
There are Powerpoint presentations in all the Conference Suites,
It was an evil empire, very James Bond-esque,
In the office at the back sat at his evil desk,
Was the head of the wums, the mightiest troll,
Laughing an evil laugh was the evil Ashley Cole,
Up on his corkboard are his evil plans,
Number 2 is "Get Wenger" but Number 1 is "Get the fans",
He has set his evil scheme in motion, so the wums could prevail,
When he went and gave that evil interview to the Daily Mail,
Cole's soldiers were now ready, to bombard the board with lies,
And set about the end of banter, as well as the Gunner's demise,
You thought that they were bad before, but now they're getting silly,
"Nasri's made from parmesan" and "Bendtner's got no willy",
Cole could taste a victory, but before he could click send,
There was a flash of light from up above as Eboue began to descend,
With a jetpack made of gold, and thick coat made of leather,
(Eboue had dressed appropriatley for this trans-atlantic weather),
"Ashley Cole" boomed Eboue, "Up to your old tricks?"
"Your too late," responded Cole, "I shall finish 606",
Eboue gave Cole a beating, his wum soldiers just observed,
The kung-fu moves Eboue dished out as Cole got what he deserved,
When the fight was over, Eboue tied up all the wums,
Cole came back with a cricket bat, but Eboue kicked him in the plums,
Ashley dropped to the floor and cried as Eboue spoke,
"What's the matter, Ashley? Can't you take a joke?"
The Day I Married Eboue
originally published Jul 27, 2009
On the day that my man Eboue took me down the aisle,
His enemies plotted to "take him down" but in a different style,
Adebayor and Ashley Cole, who had now allied,
Were hiding outside the church waiting for the bride,
"How long now?" said Ade, feeling quite intense,
"Just one more hour" Cole replied, "then we'll have our vengeance",
"Eboue thinks we're out of the way so we'll let him relax,"
"That way we'll catch him offguard when our robot attacks!!"
They laughed and evil laugh as the minutes turned to hours,
Sitting and waiting like stealthy ninjas, hidden amongst the flowers,
But as the sun began to set in the usual way,
Cole turned to Ade and said "Where the hell's Eboue?"
Ade took out his notebook since he'd done the research,
And in a dissapointed tone said "We've come to the wrong church."
"Way to go Ade!" said Cole, "You've ruined the whole mission!"
Which infuriated the robot who was working on commission,
The thought of a days wages lost was too much for him to bear,
He let out a robotic roar and decided he was going to eat the pair,
With those two out the way, Eboue had the best day of his life,
Not only is he the world's greatest but now he has a wife,
So that's the story of the day that Eboue married me,
We ate some cake and drank a lot and then had chips for tea,
I'll have to end the story there, I hope you'll understand,
'Cause if I write about the honeymoon I'll wind up getting banned!
On the day that my man Eboue took me down the aisle,
His enemies plotted to "take him down" but in a different style,
Adebayor and Ashley Cole, who had now allied,
Were hiding outside the church waiting for the bride,
"How long now?" said Ade, feeling quite intense,
"Just one more hour" Cole replied, "then we'll have our vengeance",
"Eboue thinks we're out of the way so we'll let him relax,"
"That way we'll catch him offguard when our robot attacks!!"
They laughed and evil laugh as the minutes turned to hours,
Sitting and waiting like stealthy ninjas, hidden amongst the flowers,
But as the sun began to set in the usual way,
Cole turned to Ade and said "Where the hell's Eboue?"
Ade took out his notebook since he'd done the research,
And in a dissapointed tone said "We've come to the wrong church."
"Way to go Ade!" said Cole, "You've ruined the whole mission!"
Which infuriated the robot who was working on commission,
The thought of a days wages lost was too much for him to bear,
He let out a robotic roar and decided he was going to eat the pair,
With those two out the way, Eboue had the best day of his life,
Not only is he the world's greatest but now he has a wife,
So that's the story of the day that Eboue married me,
We ate some cake and drank a lot and then had chips for tea,
I'll have to end the story there, I hope you'll understand,
'Cause if I write about the honeymoon I'll wind up getting banned!